Growing Up

A little over two weeks ago, I visited we'll call it University B with my mother. My father had taken me over the summer and I was completely overwhelmed by the campus and honestly, I didn't like it at all. So as my mother and I were walking from our hotel to the campus, I wasn't expecting at all that I would fall in love with the University B. But I did. For some reason, the campus seemed so much more beautiful. I also loved the small shops and hole-in-the-wall restaurants slightly outside of the campus. Small jewelry stands lined the sidewalks along with people selling incense and hand-crochet beanies.

While visiting, I met with various faculty and graduates. They fed exactly into what I wanted from my university education as they talked about study abroad programs/internships in Africa, water treatment projects in developing countries, and the increasingly popular Global Studies minor. Each faculty member that I spoke to were extremely warm and happy to set time aside in their busy schedule to answer my questions. They all had extremely different (and even quirky personalities) but were nevertheless very likable. After I told a faculty member about what I wanted to accomplish within my undergraduate degree, he looked into my eye and said, "Amanda, this is the place for you. I believe in fate. I believe you were led here for a reason."

That only made things more difficult for me. 

My visit to University B really forced me to re-examine things that I thought I was dead set on. Most of all, it forced me to re-examine the things I thought I wanted. For the longest time I just assumed that I would "end up" at we'll just call it University C. My father is a faculty there so financially it makes sense and for engineering, it's a great place. I thought the college decision would be an easy one because it had practically been made for me. 

It wasn't until going to University B that it truly sunk in that I have options. It was liberating but at the same time extremely frightening to realize that I needed to completely re-evaluate my college decision. As nonsensical as it sounds, I realized that University B was actually a reality. The week before May 1 was one of the most stressful weeks of this year. During that week, I saw multiple professors and graduate students at University C discussing various extracurricular activities, potential minors, and general campus life. 

Thursday night came and went and I still had no idea. 

On one hand, University B's location was undoubtedly better weather-wise. I loved that I could go out running or play intermural soccer there and wouldn't have to deal with weather such as snow or hail. Program-wise, it turned out that both universities had extremely comparable classes and faculty members.  Although this was comforting, it also meant that I needed to base my decisions of things harder to rank such as diversity, campus feel, distance, etc. In my opinion, it's much harder to make a decision based on those factors. 

I decided that that Friday would be deliberation. That entire week, my parents passively aggressively suggest me to discuss my college decision with them. In their defense, I think it made them a bit uneasy that I was handling all my meeting in University C by myself and they had no idea what I was hearing from faculty and graduates.  I can't describe it but I didn't want to discuss my decision with my parents. It had never occurred to me how large my college decision is until that week. I wanted the independence of making that decision by myself. I wanted the conviction that no matter where I accept, it was my decision all the way. I think also, I wanted to protect my parents from any resentment from me. I felt that if they had any sway to my decision, I would blame them if anything goes wrong with my college of choice. So that Friday night, I accepted University C in my room. By myself. 

It turned out that in an act of independence, I had inadvertently hurt my parents. 

You see, I had excluded my parents from arguably the largest decision of my life thus far. Can you imagine raising a child for 17 years and then to have your child exclude you from a decision you practically prepared them for for more than a decade and a half? 

I want to make it clear that there is truly nothing wrong with independence and I truly encourage each person to exert more as they begin the college process. But I didn't realize at the time is that when pursuing independence, it's easy to make ultimately insensitive decisions. Part of growing up is exploring your independence and breaking away from people you were once dependent on but it's also about learning about how to maintain communication with them while breaking away. It's about learning the difference between independence and excluding the ones who love you from your life. It's about learning how mistakes are acceptable as long as you own up to them.

In an effort to be an individual, I made the mistake of not considering my parent's emotions. I felt that after all these years, I needed to break free from my parents and I felt that the best starting point for that would be my college decision. Yes, your college decision is your choice but I could have handled mine with more sensitivity. Growing up for me means that I need to recognize that as the spectrum of what I can and cannot do widens, the likelihood of me hurting someone increases. I reaped the rewards of my freedom without considering the responsibilities that come with them. Luckily, growing up also means making good on your mistakes. Last night, my parents and I sat down and discussed my final decision. Even though I had already pressed the "accept button" nearly a week ago, it provided the necessary closure of indeed a very long process.

Juniors, you have so much to look forward to. It may not seem like it now but you really do. Don't focus on one future. Instead, celebrate the unknown. The college process is difficult and emotionally challenging but you will find that after it's over, you will have grown more than you would have ever thought. Explore your independence and allow yourself to to grow and develop into who you want to be. I can guarantee you that this process will be stressful on your relationship with parents and I can almost guarantee an ample supply of fights in the coming year. Know, though, that they do really love you (even when they say terrible things in anger). College is ultimately your choice but don't forget to sit your parents down and tell them why you made your decision. It takes responsibility, guts, and patience to but you'll find that your parents will respect you so much more and you'll feel so much better as the process comes to a close. Most of all, you will have truly learned that independence isn't about closing out your parents but is instead about asserting your own autonomy with the consideration of those you love. 

Good luck Juniors, I wish each and every one of you the best.